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When Husbands Hurt from Pelvic Mesh

the ringMesh Medical Device News Desk, May 9, 2016 ~ The following article was penned by the article of a mesh-injured woman who lives in Canada.  Many men feel debilitated alongside their wife as they watch them struggle with daily living.

Thank you for all you do.  Some men decide to leave.

Hooray for those who choose to stay!!!!

Thank you very much to the man who chose to share his words here.

“Hi Jane,

 

“I see your looking for a few articles from husbands what are looking for things like how we feel about your love one being debilitated hurt in pain every day and having to take over most chores.

“Feeling guilty as your supposed to look after your wife and protect her from being harmed and not knowing something like this could never happen as it was just a half hour surgery or so which was supposed to improve your wife’s life. Feeling horrible inside knowing you can’t take away her pain watching your wife become somewhat dependent on her pain killers and knowing that even with them it’s still not taking the pain away.

couple

“Going for a walk as your wife needs to go either if it’s raining thirty below or whatever the weather might be and you sometimes have to make her go as she has to bring down her blood pressure knowing if she doesn’t she will just get sicker and sicker. Thinking back of all the good times before she had mesh put in and everything your wife and yourself did together now you just try to get through the day in a positive way which some days are harder than others, the bad days always hurt the both of you, as you know she is truly hurting inside and out, and knowing this just hurts as much.

“It  saddens and breaks my heart when you can see that she thinks she’s just being a burden to you but you see it coming and put a stop to it and assure her that you truly truly love her and you will always love her and you will always be there for her no matter what.

drawing“It’s so hard some days I really get it now when my wife said she was just beat and tired before she had the mesh put in and removed.  When she came home from work, made supper, did whatever by taking care of her family and you took it all for granted.  It just makes me feel that I have so much more gratitude toward her as I’m so tired some days now.  Getting old I guess.

“It does wear you out in so many ways being a husband of someone who is a victim of mesh, not just physically but mentally and emotionally too as you are always worrying about what will happen next.  Will she be able to handle it?  How much more can she take as she’s been through enough as it is.

“With the new symptoms of her heart issues now this was one of the scariest times just waiting to see what is causing her heart to have palpitations.  I know how strong willed she is but to see that she is worried scares the hell out of me.

“I know the night when I took her to the walk-in and she was sent to the emergency room and holding handsafter being there for hours they wanted her to stay the night. They had a bed for her, so just being down the road being in a small town we decided it best if I just went home and got a few hours sleep. I went home but I didn’t sleep as I was so worried, I cried in my pillow trying to be quiet so my sons didn’t hear me.   I don’t cry much but I found my self crying and asking to have her pain put on me and asking why.

“It’s hard to be positive some days but you have to try.  Life throws you a curve ball sometimes and it all depends on how you handle it, and if your married you got married for a reason it’s because you loved that person, so if you get thrown this ball and your loved one is hurt, be there for them, care for them, give them words of encouragement.  Don’t just get up and leave because things are not the way you want them to be.

“Yes, it’s been hell but at the same time it’s taught us a few things in life and yes I do feel lucky in ways to cherish the today’s as you don’t know what the tomorrow’s will be.”

saying
 Thanks,

D. 

 

40 Comments

  1. Michele says:

    My husband is not hurting he left my ass for another woman. Thats ok though i am doing better without him. Amen to that

  2. Chris R says:

    It’s such a shame that these companies were in a big hurry to make money off these products, but when it comes to making things right with the women and family’s they have effected they want to put it off or appeal it in court. Where would the women be if it weren’t for “Obama Care” not able to have surgerys? Knowing that bills nor rent can be put off or “appealed” How many had to file for disability because work was not possible after the damage was done? How many lost most or everything they had while waiting for disability because of mesh complications? But yet the company’s that made billions from these defective produces don’t want to pay for the damages they have created. I know first hand. My wife HAS transvaginal mesh complications. Why should these companies be allowed to keep pushing court back when our lives can’t be put on hold?

  3. Ray says:

    Iî have committed before on this issue of husband’s. I am my wife’s rock and protector and I agree it’s very hard on both. My wife’s pain is unbearable. I cause her physical pain when we’re intimate. Thank God I love my wife so much. I want to be the voice for the husband’s on that jury.

    • Still Standing says:

      So, Ray, if intimacy causes her to have pain why have sexual intercourse? I cant imagine how painful that would be for me. It may be too personal a question and I Understand if you dont want to answer, but Im just amazed that your wife is in pain yet is sexually intimate with you. That would put me under for weeks.

  4. Hope says:

    I’m so blessed. I have an amazing husband. He researched mesh and understood more about it so he could help me when all I knew was pain. He makes my life worth living when there are days that I would rather not. He is my love, my sunshine the person who understands what I’m going through better than anyone.

  5. Mary Pat says:

    D – as husbands go, you are amazing! As men go, you set the bar very high. There WILL be a special place in heaven for men like you. You bring a piece of heaven to this earth. God bless you and your wife.

  6. Steve says:

    Being a man , and having a hernia , they put a mesh like this in me , I have pevic pain , uncontrolable bladder ,& uti’s and very unconfortable walking with pain my left leg from the mesh !!!!!! Doctor said it was from being wet ness problem tried telling her i had a major hernia operation !!! She doesnt like it when i come in & why do i keep calling her ?????? W T F should i do , always in pain !!!!!!#

    • Still Standing says:

      Well, Steve…my initial response was to find another doctor, and soon. You have to have one you can trust more than anything. If you are getting the vibe that she doesnt like it when you have an appointment, that is a pretty good sign that she is not hearing you and responding to your needs. I dont know where you live,but Stanford University has been at the forefront of treating pelvic pain in men. Two doctors wrote the landmark book, A Headache in the Pelvis, which was about male pelvic pain. Look it up online and see what they might have a available. I would think that they could be a good resource for you. Even though the hernia CAUSED your pelvic issues, you can still be helped by best practice interventions that address what you are experiencing now. It would certainly be worth exploring. Im sorry you are dealing with your pain and that physicians are still not realizing that some people have these terrible outcomes with hernia mesh. Hang in there and definitely find a new doctor who will hear you and respond with compassion and determination to get you to a better place.

  7. Parallel says:

    As someone who has reviewed thousands of these cases, this man is the exception. It’s shocking to realize that most men abandon their wives -girlfriends-SOs when intercourse is no longer possible.
    Disgusting, actually.

  8. stopmeshimplants says:

    Thank you for sharing, D. Your words are filled with such compassion for your wife. Wishing you much more of those days that are “for better” rather than “for worse”.

  9. Dear D. , Mesh hurts families.There never ever just one victim. You , like my husband are a stand-up guy. When my pain was at its worst, I offered my husband a divorce. I felt like a burden with no hope. He declined and loved me through my healing stages. Hold on to hope! I’m so glad time does heal if we get the right skilled help. Our new normal doesn’t include physical intimacy, but there is a deeper bond growing. I’m so glad there are men like you, and my husband. Thank you for sharing. Hugs for you and yours.

  10. Still Standing says:

    D… She can handle what comes because you are standing in the gap for your wife. A husband comes to a pain support group that I run , just to support his wfie. He said that he has a backpack where he carries her problems. Each day he puts it on, but here is the amazing thing, he puts it down at the end of the day. Even loving spouses get tired and need to put it down from tine to time. I hope you will care for yourself in that way.

  11. Janet says:

    This article could have been written by my husband. I couldn’t endure my pain if it wasn’t for him. He never stops telling me how much he loves me no matter hoe disheartened I become. I wouldn’t blame him if he walked away but he reassures me every day that he is here for me.

  12. ManAgainstMesh says:

    I hear ya D! As a fellow Mesh husband, I too made a vow to my bride many years ago. It was love at first sight and I never have, nor will I ever, leave her side.

    We do what we do for them out of that love. It does indeed hurt to watch them knowing we cannot do much to ease both the physical and mental pain other than to reassure them they are not a burden – EVER!

    To be that “Rock” of comfort and know they can rely on us I think makes things a little better for them each day. Real, true love is more than physical; it’s spiritual, it’s emotional and we gladly take care of all the things we can so to make life easier for them. Yes, it can sometimes make us feel drained, but NEVER burdened!

    Feel good, my brother; stay strong and committed…we others are out here as well and support you, and feel supported by you too – knowing we are attending to our wives in their time of need. Besides, she stole my heart the moment I saw her and she has decided to never let it go….as it should be. Stay strong and vigilant!

    • ManAgainstMesh says:

      Thought I’d post the company name as Jane has suggested to others:

      J&J Ethicon, Gynecare TVT in 2009

    • Mary Pat says:

      Dear ManAgainstMesh – are you really a man or are you an angel? Wow! Thank you for being the man that you are. Thank you for posting. Your post made me cry. Wow! God Bless You! God has blessed you with a heart that truly knows how to love. Great testimony.

      • ManAgainstMesh says:

        Thank you, Mary Pat, for your kind
        words. We all are REAL men. Men who do not fold & run when adversity hits. We honor our vows, our hearts for what is right & just. If we can just make any moment better, it is all worth it.

        The guys who left all of you wonderful ladies, despite whatever the reason they gave to justify to themselves for running away, are selfish, weak individuals who were only concerned with their own well-being to begin with, and in my opinion were just plain thinking with the wrong head. They probably did and would have continued to say things to make you feel guilty and a burden instead of supporting you and being your “rock” and advocate. All of you ladies are waaaayyyy more stronger and courageous than we are, and you all are MY heroes.

    • Hiawatha says:

      This sounds exactly like my husband !!! He is so good to me !! He just ask if I cared if he went fishing tonight with two fiends of ours. I was so tickled watching him get ready to go. He really needed to get out & release stress I thought and he loves to fish !!

  13. D says:

    Being a husband you have certain obligations and the most important to me is taking care of your family,I know if I were sick my wife would look after me as the same I try to do for her right now.
    She is a very strong willed women and very stubborn but at the same time very sick so I just try to do what I can to make her feel better not just in health but about herself a compliment here and there goes a long way it seems.
    Its like Nonie said mesh hurts families,and there is never ever just one victim this is so true it’s really gotten to the point now where we just say it is what it is,and just try to live the best way we can, and just focus on the love we have together I’m just a husband doing what a husband should be doing and that’s taking care of your wife, and family.
    Thank you for all of your nice comments.

  14. Mark Embree says:

    My fiance has been going through this since 2010 and I would never think to leave her side just because she cannot be intimate with me she deals with the pain everyday screaming waking up in the middle of the night we still can’t get all the mesh out and basically she has to deal with this for the rest of her life Johnson & Johnson should be ashamed of themselves how would they like if this was one of their mothers or sisters or family member that is going through this

  15. John says:

    my wife was a hard working woman an mother For the kids an me. She always had tons of energy. I have seen her in pain before. From child birth to cuts an a bad burn while at work. She would just keep on working. She could always handle pain better than I could.
    But this mesh has destroyed my wife.
    I have had to watch her slowly go from a healthy wife an mother to a women that can hardly get out of bed.
    I love her an will always be there for her no matter what
    I went from working full time to part time to stay at home to care for her needs.
    It is not just my wife an I that are hurt from this. it is all of the family that is hurt our boys help as much as they can an the girls do what they can also.
    I have had to watch my family suffer for their mother. I have seen the tears in their eyes as they try to help her. With things that my wife could do in a heart beat. But now she can’t even stand without help.
    There is a lot of things that my wife try’s to hid from the kids. But they know. No one has to tell them. They have been there for all of the hospital stays
    My wife an I are not worried so much about our life in this mesh mess. But we do worry about how much it has hurt our kids an grandkids. They all have watched their mother, grandmother suffer for so long.
    I could care less about a settlement!!
    I just want my wife to stop hurting. An for her to be abil to enjoy life with the kids an me.
    By the way. We have seven children . Four boys three girls an twenty one grandkids. an we all want her back without the pain and suffering that has her crying an wishing for death some days
    God have mercy on all of the women an her family that have had to deal with life after mesh surgery

    • Jane Akre says:

      I am so sorry. I certainly hope your mesh manufacturer is reading this. Please don’t hesitate to name them. Do you need the name of a competent doc near you? Is your law firm helping?

    • Still Standing says:

      John, some posts are just so raw and honest it takes my breath away. Yours was one of those. Your wife is so blessed to be cared for by such a devoted partner. And Im so sorry your lives have been so irreparably changed. As a high energy, take charge woman myself, I , too, have worried about how all of these mesh complications have weighed on my family. My granddaughters have never known the pre-mesh grammy I could have been. My daughter in law never knew the old me, either. One night while I was being verbally self critical about what I couldn’t do, this beautiful 5 year old child put her hand on my knee and said “but grammy, you have on a really pretty shirt.” It was such a powerful reminder of how I was measuring my worth based on the old me, while she was just happy with who I was just in that present moment. I felt so loved at that moment, and, I didnt have on a pretty shirt at all. Who your wife is right now is enough. Mesh has damaged her body, but has not diminished her in her ability to love, and, more importantly, to be loved. A powerful book that helped me a great deal is “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown. It is a very candid reminder of how we all must face our vulnerabilities, our “less than” selves. Mesh has certainly made us physically vulnerable, but it will never ever claim our worth.

  16. Mary Pat says:

    I was just reading the above posts. You know that amazing feeling you got when the first responders went to the twin towers to courageously and unselfishly help others? We were all in awe at their acts of bravery and courage and love of humanity. We all came to admire and love the firefighters. I just got the exact same feeling of awe and goosebumps reading the posts that these wonderful men shared. I want each and every one of you wonderful guys to know how much it means to us mesh injured women to know that there ARE men like you out there! You are our heroes! You counterbalance the cruelty of the mesh makers and the harm they have inflicted. I wish you wonderful guys could form an army and march to tear down big pharma. I can see it in my mind. What a great picture to behold.

  17. Chris R says:

    I’d like to add that my wife’s mesh is J&J Gynecare prolift

  18. Anon says:

    For any woman injured by Ethicon
    Prolift http://meshcomplications.com/ Mazie Slater Katz and Freeman attorneys have posted video depositions of some of the Ethicon employees, developers, sales people, etc….it is very disturbing and heartbreaking what they knew and when they knew it!

  19. James says:

    D..I really feel you dude, I cannot stress that we should be able to save our spouses or significant others. As we watch them go through hell & High water, while these Dr’s,Lawyers & Health companies take advantage of our women those three I trust the least, as they did to my significant other knowing she was high risk to begin with? I love her so much it hurts me sick 🙁 how bad this has gone on this long , no quality of life,no sex,hormonal imbalance,blood pressure high,living with Hep C chronic,Necrosis of her liver never did drugs or drank & contracted A & B @ 19yrs of age, in a coma 51dys,fought off the B & has Juvenile RA & this girl had a passion for life when I met her and after this implant AMS she has deteriorated & has been given a settlement offer that because We are not married I’m not included & Its a Mass Tort.Taking half of her money anyway . I could care less for me it’s my testimony that needed to be told and in a courtroom! I was pricked in my D–k after 6 week surgery because it fell out of her vaginal wall,Fright or flight I threw her across the room and it took me a year before we even had tried again no success, 4 revision surgeries later,the amount of money they offered her goes more too the lawyers and the judge & whomever else wants to dip their hands in it and my signif has over a 30mill viral load of hep c enlarged liver an cannot walk because the mesh has crippled her knees and her insides so between the two she will die soon if she does not get treatment for the hep an the mesh will erode into her bladder she’ll get kidney failure, she hasn’t worked since 2013 cuz she was working n lost her balance fell off a 10ft ladder onto her feet & crouch compounded her mesh into her bladder an her knees into her liver ! i have been with her since 1989 her hysterectomy was in 2005, she had no idea they were putting this poison mesh mess in her.I’m a victim of her circumstance, she has never been the same the last 5yrs have been heartbreaking for her daughter an her son who has been locked up 4yrs she is always angry,crying in pain insomnia, no appetite fatigue, depression, no insurance, i work my ass of to just make the bills she was denied SSI and she has worked for 35 yrs of her life,,, my love is unconditional and true to my heart always for her she is & has been my true love .I could of left a hundred times over she has also told me she wants me to be happy & if you want to find it somewhere else you can ?WHAT ? No she is my everything without her I’m going to be lost >>>> To all you greedy money hungry,uneducated Dr’s & lawyers you all should be ashamed of yourselves, judgement day is coming and my wife of 30YRS My Partner,my soul mate, will probably be in heaven to make sure she stands at the right hand of the father in the kingdom of god to tell peter to close those pearly gates for all of you

  20. Jane Akre says:

    Suzy and Dan told me their story.

    Today Suzy is 60 years old. She had a mesh implanted five years ago. It was an Ethicon TVT (transvaginal tape) and a Boston Scientific TVT-O.

    Her bladder had fallen and after the mesh implant she knew something was wrong. She begged the doctor to come back. She says he wouldn’t see her until she paid the $300 balance on his account. She began hemorrhaging out of her anus. Again her doctor refused to see her. She says she had vaginal pain in her right leg, perineal nerve pain and she would bleed, cry and pray on the commode.

    Eventually the consensus was the mesh had to come out. The surgery took 10 hours and she was prepared for life support. Mesh had broken apart in her abdominal area and was in pieces. The doctor had to ick pieces out of her intestines for hours until it was time to close her up. He told her he could have been in there longer. Another doctor recovered most of the mesh except one of the arms, despite the fact the report said he got out two arms.

    Today her husband, we’ll call him Dan cuts grass and sells hay for a living. He is waiting for insurance on his neck injury which gives him extreme pain. He admires his wife who owned her own business helping folks get government benefits. He says she was very good at her job. Dan is putting off his own surgery to take care of Suzy. Dan and Suzy used to have a 3,000 foot home with a swimming pool, they took vacations, owned campers, ATVs and lived the good life.

    “We’ve been married a long time, 25 years,” he says. “You just have to see to it and do the best you can and go on with life because it has totally changed our lives. Our grandson maybe had one or 2 ball games she went to this year, she just can’t sit long. Oh yes, I’m here daily and I see it what it does to her and how she tries and is depressed and its hard on her and its hard on me. I don’t never know if when I leave to buy groceries or do whatever if I’m going to come back and she’s going to be dead, I just don’t know it’s a lot of pressure on me.”

    Suzy’s daughter died of breast cancer at the house. Dan says it’s the same look on his wife’s face while she’s sleeping.

    “It’s just day to day. You get somewhere and you try and call her and she’s asleep and don’t hear then you get into a panic to try and get home. Where we live we don’t have neighbors.”

    What Dan wants is acknowledgement above all else. “Figure out something to get this sh** out of women. Own up to it, do something to help them rather than drag this sh** out forever. I’m sorry it upsets me. Help these women so they can go to doctors and get relief of something,” he says.

    “I don’t give up. It’s a struggle on your marriage. A lot are splitting up. I’m in it for the long haul,” Dan says.

  21. Karen A says:

    I understand your life mine too was took away from me…

  22. Family members and friends of women PREVENTABLY harmed by failed implanted medical devices can help get these clearances revoked, educate your community(cut off profit) and change policy. Please limit yourself to an ‘echo chamber’ where everyone understands. Speak up! Share your story with the media, with your government officials, with Consumers Union Safe Patient Project, with The Patient Voice Institute. Last weekend I spoke at Regina Holliday’s #Cinderblocks3 conference in Grantsville, MD. I could use your help next year! Please consider . . .

  23. Mary Pat says:

    My husband has not physically left but the mesh hell has destroyed him emotionally and psychologically. Its too painful for him to even talk about. At first he felt guilt that he didn’t get more involved and stop the implant. That is honorable but I didn’t know a petmanent device was being implanted. The doctor would have lied to him as well. Next he felt angry that he could do nothing to protect me from the pain and the never ending abuse that the doctors , pharmaceutical companies and now the court system subjects us to. Men are hard-wired to protect their women. I know the feeling of helplessness eats at his manhood and his soul all of the time. It causes him to withdraw from me and the painful situation. I find myself torn between resenting him for his lack of involvement and grateful that he has stood by his marriage commitment. If any of the guys can offer advice or encouragement for him it would be greatly appreciated. Living with mesh is heartache enough. Knowing that mesh is destroying your husband is unbearable.

    • ManAgainstMesh says:

      Mary Pat: Tell your husband that we have all felt bad that we couldn’t protect our loved one from their situation. He needs to understand that by the sheer number of lawsuits (climbing to 100k), what happened is really not his burden to carry, but the mesh manufacturers. He still has you, and you still have him. He needs to come to terms that you, him and all the rest of us made decisions based on what we knew then and he must let that go. The focus now should be each other and where you two go from here – solidly together. Don’t let those decisions haunt him and get in the way of being in the present with each other and drawing strength as a couple. As “Hoke” (played by Morgan Freeman) often said in the movie Driving Miss Daisy “We do what we can”.

      Your husband needs to understand it is important to be in the present and enjoy the wonderful wife he has in you, no matter what. As the guys in this forum will attest, it is important as ever to be there for you now and (here comes the tough love) stop feeling sorry for himself for what he “should’ve, could’ve” done. He’s losing out on the companionship, love and making the best of what is here now. “Manhood” is about not acting like a little boy, which is what self-pity is. “Being a man” is not only protecting one’s family (as best they can), it’s about keeping that family together through thick and thin. Just the fact of him being still around when many men have abandoned their partner, is a testament of his manhood and character. He is in company of a lot of us good men who experienced the same thing he did, so he should feel proud about that. I admire and commend his commitment to you.

      His silence only allows things to fester and lets the mesh-offenders win. Maybe you should let him read what has been shared in this forum by us guys and then try to write and share his thoughts in this forum with the rest of us. I think he will find the support and understanding he needs to help him find his way out of his anguish and know he doesn’t suffer alone.

      He’s a good man, which is why he feels so bad about what has happened. Don’t let him think for a second that the mesh incident is what defines him as a man.

      • Jane Akre says:

        Man- Your words are powerful, thanks for sharing. I believe we have exceeded 100,000 lawsuits. there are 93,000 filed in one court! The most ever filed in one court in a mass tort action. then there are numerous cases filed in New Jersey, Mass, California, Delaware, Pennsylvania numbering into the thousands… so we have exceeded 100,000. totally unbelievable!

        • ManAgainstMesh says:

          Thanks Jane for the correction…I’ve been busy lately and had lost count, sadly enough…

          If that many lawsuits were filed for a part on cars, it would be national, maybe even global news…and would have been fixed/settled by now.

          • Jane Akre says:

            would love an essay from you about your perspective.
            We can do it over the phone if you wish

          • ManAgainstMesh says:

            I would be happy to…..I am traveling on business this week, so will contact you if I find a break, or when I return home. I want to be sure I know what you want specifically. Phone call is okay as well if that helps.

          • Jane Akre says:

            You can reach me at janeakre@meshnewsdesk.com and arrange a time. I look forward to it!!

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